So I met this guy. He has the trifecta of awesomeness; hot, built, and amazing in bed. But the best part of it all is that he loves me. Did I mention that I puked all over him when we first met? No? Well, that’s a different story. Now the whole world wants to barf on us because we are disgustingly in love and let’s face it, the cutest couple on earth. But what happens when our love for each other may not be enough to face the road ahead? As the saying goes, first comes love, then maybe if your lucky he’ll put a ring on it, then comes…oh, the crap in diapers. So far I’ve faced a malicious girl scout, and jealous hoochie and a skunk that I may or may not have turned into a fur stole. Now Miles and I are facing our great challenge as a couple. As I’ve found out, sometimes life isn’t all daises and unicorn farts.
A soft knock came from the door and one of the staff went to open it. In came what I could only describe as dollar store rendition of Mickey’s best dog pal, Pluto. This person was wearing yellow sweatpants, a matching sweatshirt, yellow gloves, tennis shoes, and a black felt string attach to the ass with duct tape. To make the situation worse, they were wearing a plastic Pluto head that looked like it was purchased at a Halloween store. It reminded me of those stupid unicorn heads that guys wore at frat parties because they thought they were the coolest ones there.
Dysfunctional Pluto came over to our table and waved at everyone without saying a word. I looked at Renee and Ryan, who were sitting opposite of Dillion and I at the table. Both of them were trying hard to suppress their laughter. Renee waved back at him, and I just looked at Dysfunctional Pluto like he had the plague. Dillion jumped out of his seat and ran over to hug Pluto, and I wanted to pull him back because I thought for sure this person was hiding a weapon somewhere and was about to massacre us. Maybe Miles couldn’t pay the upgrade charge to bring in a real Pluto so they had to substitute with Pluto’s mentally disturbed cousin, Sudo.
Sudo surrounded Dillion in a king-sized hug. He then gave Ryan a handshake and patted Renee on the head. When he came to me, he pulled me out of my chair. He took the long tongue that hung disturbingly out of his mask and made a huge slurping sound as he drew his plastic tongue up from my chin to the top of my head.
“Wow. Thanks, Pluto. That was sweet.” I patted him on the shoulder, but he wasn’t finished. He took his gloved paws and engulfed me in a hug and hooked one of his legs around mine.
He finally released me and signaled to Renee to take our picture. He stood behind me and once again wrapped his giant paws around my waist. His large plastic head rested on my shoulder.
“Pluto, I know you’re a horny dog, but this is the last time I’m warning you to keep your paws to yourself.”
Then Sudo quickly grabbed my butt and gave a tight squeeze.
“That’s it!” I said through my teeth. I turned around and kneed him right in his big doggie balls.
Renee and Ryan gasped as Sudo fell to his knees, grabbed his puppy pals, and let out a moan.
“Jesus Christ, Moxie!” Sudo said, still on his knees.
“What the fuck!” I covered my mouth with both hands. “Miles?”
“Is it always your reaction to knee Disney characters in the crotch?” Miles stood, still wincing.
“You we’re groping me! What are you doing here dressed up as sudo Pluto?” My hands were in my hair and my eyes went wide. “I thought you were stuck at home working?”
“It’s supposed to be a surprise. It was all planned,” Miles said, his voice sounding less strained.
I turned around to look at Ryan and Renee. “You knew?”
They both nodded, biting their lips to try to contain their laughter.
“What about you?” I eyed Dillion.
“I was told that if I said anything to you, Daddy would cancel my subscription to National Geographic.”
“I still might cancel your subscription. Hasn’t anyone taught you it’s not nice to lie?” I admonished, but Dillion kept smiling because he knew I was the one lying.
“This is so sweet, Miles. But you didn’t have to do all of this. You could have just come with us on the plane like a normal human being.”
“Then it wouldn’t have been as memorable.” He put his gloved dog paws on his hips.
“Why does it have to be memorable? It’s just a… Oh, shit!” It hit me like a lightning bolt.
Miles dropped down to one knee and took my hand in his fake dog paw. “Moxie, from the moment I met you, you surprised me at every turn. I love how honest you are, caring, and even how outspoken you are. You make Dillion and I complete with your love, and I want you to make our family complete. I love you, sweetness. Will you marry me?”
Ryan handed Miles a black box, and Miles, having some issues using his gloved hands, opened it to reveal and large solitaire princess cut diamond. Everything I wanted and dreamed about were at my fingertips. I wanted a future with Miles and Dillion more then I wanted my next breath. Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I clutched my stomach with my hands.
“Moxie, this is the most quiet I’ve ever seen you. Can you please say something so I know that you’re still breathing?” Miles held the ring in front of him.
I looked at the ring and then back to Miles, his eyes filled with tears. This was the moment of fight or flight. “Miles, I’m pregnant.”
As a little girl, it was always a dream for Z.B. Heller to become She-Ra Princess of Power. Since this dream was unobtainable, she spent what was probably way too long in college trying to “find herself.” Becoming an artist scratched the creative itch until the stories in her head got to be too loud for her to get anything else accomplished. She lives in St. Louis with her husband, son, and Flemish Giant rabbit, Chloe. In her spare time she likes to read, stalk celebrities on Twitter, and create the type of art people scratch their heads about.